Mephitic Palavers

"What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate."

-Henry David Thoreau

For the past two years, my life has been in a constant state of flux. From one idea to the next, my mind wanders between endless deserts of change in a search for some great unknown. Where is it that I am going? When will such a hunt end? What will ultimately be that which will define me?

I started back to working on websites this weekend. There are two sites that I would like to complete and running live by the end of September. The first one, the site I have made the progress on, is lugubrious-delirium.com. This is my personal homepage.I am trying to develop a theme similar to a mental asylum, an institution of my mind. I plan to have this serve as a personal web portal and a tool to fully explore the contents of my mind. The second site I would like to complete is the alumni association site for my college fraternity. This second should be much simpler and need little to no updates once it is fully functional and online.

Another thing that I have been occupying a good bit of my time with is reading. So far this year I have probably read more books then I have in the last 10 years combined. Most of the books have been soft and social sci-fi books, which I absolutely love, and a few have been straight science books, for example on space, physics and zombie survival. One of the science books I have recently read has made a huge impact on my life. It has convinced me to take better care of my body by exercising regularly, eating healthier and taking heap of various vitamins. I do fell better physically than I have in recent years.

There are a few things that I would like to spend more time on, that mainly being writing. I feel that if I ever want to fulfill my dream of getting a few novels published, I need to start devoting more time to perfect my art. At least my new system of daily to-do lists seems to be helping me allocate the necessary attention to what I would like to accomplish. I just need to be responsible and avoid those nasty time sinks as much as possible.

Renascent Defenestration

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

-George Carlin

Achievement is the irreproachable demon that stimulates my mind into its internally generated, hormone induced addiction. I wallow in these desires of attainment, mastery and accomplishment. I devour them one by one, always indulging, never to part. I use them to countermand my insecurity of nihility.

I have reverted back to using a daily to-do list, both at work and in my personal life. So far, it has helped me remain on task and has helped me in developing a manageable routine. It has also brought the discipline of time management back into my life, a much-needed practice due to the mounds of work, hobbies, and interest that I would like to partake in. As for these lists, I think they will be good for me as long as I remind myself that they are not designed for the enjoyment of completing such lists but for the guidance and motivation of doing what I need to do or what I enjoy doing. As long as I can accomplish this, my need for such lists will remain at a healthy level.

As my blog notes, I have not allocated much time to writing. I try my best to do so but ever since I started my daily study sessions of all the mathematical theories I have be introduced to since I learned to count, I have found it harder and harder to sit down and enjoy writing or to write at all for that matter. Now this may be because my mind is mentally drained from hours of intensive calculations, but perhaps it has to do with the struggle between the left and right portions of my brain. I would probably think it was the former rather than the latter. All I can do is allocated some time to write and if I can at that time, do so and if not, perhaps another time.

Other than trying to be the dictator of my time, I have enjoyed a few rather welcomed changes in the month of July. For instance, I know only work 4 days a week, resulting in repetitive three day weekends. Hooray for no work on Mondays. Oh, I also visited the fine state of California, which was much better than actually being at work. That was a nice little break. There were a few other enjoyable things about these past few weeks but I can’t seem to put a finger on them.

I am still trying to improve my lifestyle. I have continued my running program, I can now easily jog three miles and can run a mile in under 7 minutes if the need arises. I am still trying to gain control over my eating habits that is eating healthier and less. Although it’s been hard, I think I am making some good progress. I wish I had the accessibility and the funds to switch to a strictly Japanese diet; their food is so delicious and nutritious. Perhaps one day. Also, I think this book I have been reading has convince me to start subjecting my body with a daily onslaught vitamins. Especially that which improves brain functions and slows down its unavoidable degradation. I also need to find something that will impede this unwelcomed hair loss.

Farewell Juno, Hello Life

"All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that."

-Baltasar Gracian

Another month has come and proceeds to pass me by. As with most months, it was jam-packed with a collage of varying experiences: the triumph over a collection of dispossessed vagrants, the aqueous venture consisting of gliding across the surface of Charleston’s harbor, the realization of my reluctance to pursue indigenous intentions, the sacred ritual of holy matrimony, and the amelioration of my personal pool of knowledge (just to name a few). I was always there, constantly meshing, through the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow, the dove and the snake. How wonderful it had become and how quickly it came to pass. I embraced it all and await the future.

Tomorrow, for the first time in about two years, I will have my first outdoor soccer match. I can’t say that I am not excited. Although, I thought that I had another week to train but I will have to make do with the little training I have logged in over the past three days. The multiple cardio sessions and ball control sessions should give me the edge over any foreseeable competition. Also, this new outdoor league has enticed some of my teammates, who grew tired of indoor, to rejoin me on the pitch.

Work is still very slow, but on a plus note, I have begun utilizing my spare time to study for the fundamentals exam, my next step towards obtaining my professional engineering license. Yes, I finally decided to pursue this career accomplishment, I figured it would be better than idling stagnant in the area of professional development. Currently, I am in the middle of reviewing the tedious theories of mathematics. Looks like it may take some time, but ironically a study group has formed here in my department for this very test and its first session will kick off tomorrow. Working with other people should ease some of the stress associated with solitary studies.

Right now, I am doing most of my studying at work but soon I should have much more time to increase my cranium’s cognitive functions outside of work. For soon, I will begin the four-day workweek and, on top of that, I will have a wonderful five-day weekend followed by a full week of vacationing in California. Of course, I don’t plan on studying during all of this time outside the office because that would just be asinine. Instead I plan on working more on my books, keeping myself physically fit, and just doing things that just plain out make me happy. I think it is very important for a person to find the time to enjoy, that which makes them happy. I plan on being that person.

Rambles

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind."

-Aristotle

Why is it that the Mondays after extremely action packed weekends are close to insufferable? Wait, what am I talking about? Any day that I have to get up and go to work feels that way, especially lately. My job is un-fulfilling. It is boring. It is very reclusive and monotonous. I keep telling myself it will get better and for some time it seems like it is but I always find myself back in the rout that I am wading through this very morning. Blah, blah, blah, I dislike my occupation.

On a brighter note, I had a fantastic weekend. I spent about 4 days traveling between Iowa and Illinois by crossing the Mighty Mississippi River multiple times. Unfortunately, I did not get to swim in the river, despite my strong desires to do so. I was actually told, “Don’t even think about it” by a local, especially with the recent flood waters. Speaking of floodwaters, I did get to see some of the direct effects from all the recent flooding up there. Sure was a lot of water. Other than observing lakes of moving water, I participated in heavy amounts of celebration.

I was a groomsman for a good friend’s wedding. It ended up being a very wonderful ceremony and highly emotional. People were crying all over the place. I, too, at times, had to emit a high level of self-control in order to keep back the watery intentions of my own eyes. Everyone seemed to have a great time. We got to travel in a party bus to the reception, had a wonderful meal, and danced the night away. (Apparently, I was de-shirted by the bridal party at one point during the dance-a-thon.) Oh yeah, almost forgot, I was crowned limbo champion at the rehearsal dinner. I always thought I would be unbeatable at limbo and now I know that I am and will always be. Overall it was great to see old friends, and nice to meet some fun-loving, new people. Its is a shame that this group of people live so far apart, just thinking of all the good times that could be had.

Other than my trip to Illinois/Iowa, there is not much new going on with me life. I did get my eyes dilated last Thursday for the first time. I really did not like it, especially since my eye-doctor neglected to mention the extreme sensitivity to bright lights…sunlight. It took me about 10 minutes to make it to my car, luckily I had some sunglasses in there. Also, upon returning from my trip, I found out that a close friend of mine has to go in for heart surgery this Wednesday. It was a huge shock to me, especially since he is not even 25. I need to remember to call him tonight to see what do and to wish him luck.

Idealized Harmony

"In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility."

-William Shakespeare

I feel very plain today. I am neither happy nor sad, neither excited nor bored. I am not overjoyed with my typical bouts of madness. The challenges that usually stimulate my mind have proven to be nothing more than mundane. The extravagant has been mangled to the point of malcontentedness. The state of existence is futile.

Nothing is actually as bad as it seems. In fact, what has really changed? Absolutely zilch, well as long as you don’t take into account that which was already changing. Completely irreproachable repercussions reiterate the intonations of eternity.

Other than this strange feeling of downright normalcy, life has been moving along at an alarming pace. This is most likely due to how I have managed to keep myself fairly busy, which is something I enjoy doing. A few weeks back I went out to Las Vegas, had a good time, lost some money, and experienced the glamour of this infamous city. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to go kayaking. That of which, I must say, was extremely exhilarating. I can’t wait to experience such excitement once more. Hopefully, I still have a kayaking partner. As for this upcoming weekend, I am flying up to Illinois/Iowa for a good friend’s wedding. Can you say bridesmaids? (Haha, kidding) Other events that I am looking forward to in my near future are my trips to California, Brew at the Zoo and hopefully a tubing adventure down the Congaree/Broad River.

Another thing that I would like to comment on briefly is my out falling with the young lady I have recently been seeing/dating/what-have-ya. It was really nice to have someone to talk to, again, especially on a day-to-day basis. I hope she enjoyed our time together as much as I did. However, I do wish I would of talked to her more before rushing on home Saturday night. I was just so fed up with the situation by the end of the night, that all I wanted to do was get home and be left alone. Oh well, life sometimes throws you apples and sometimes it unleashes a bear that eats those apples. Hopefully our friendship will abide.

Life Inspires Life

“Be the change that you want to see in the world.”

-Mohandas Gandhi

The world turned away from the impending era of darkness, as humanity released it grasps on the treacheries of tyranny and the unjust natures of its embedded states of despotism. Closer and closer the world spun towards the enlightenment of the individual, the perfection of societal propensities, and, ultimately, the golden age of the natural equilibrium between man and all which encompasses this creature. Yet, it is said that such affluence does not transpire without the accompanied adversity, and as it is stated, the scream of billions began to consistently drown the laughter of the content, as their industrial world enter into the most perilous bottleneck this species have ever encountered. Alas, despite the gloom outlook, one by one people ventured out from beneath their comforting layers of apathy and took interest in the liberties that reside amongst themselves and the natural flora and fauna of this delicate ecosystem, in which they inhabit.

It was the individual that saved the many, and by individual, as it is expressed with such great regard, does not, by no means, indicate the audacity and leadership of one person but the combination of such actions perform by a multitude of unique individuals who conspired in collaboration to combat the misfortune of an ill-fated species, without the bickering over their pity differences. For in the end, they realize that humanity was not based on one’s physical appearance, personal beliefs, or the location of their residency but in one’s compassion, spirit and humility for the existence of life.

Fahrenheit 451 and the Oppression Within

"Do you ever read any of the books you burn?"
He laughed. "That's against the law!"
"Oh. Of course."

More and more often I find myself secretly secluding myself from my surroundings in order to get some one-on-one time with one of the many books that I have been dabbling in. It seems the only way to get the most out of these illusive affairs is to bunker down in the privacy of my office, bedroom, or in the vicinity of my backyard. As if what I was doing was unfit for the public eye. Perhaps, in a sense it is. Think about it. How often do you see people reading books in public places? Unless you frequent a school campus, a library, or perhaps a beach, your answer to that question is more than likely a low number, if it isn’t the infamous zero.

It is odd how peculiarly familiar a book’s message can be, how easily it’s premise can be applied to your own life, and how completely captivating and absorbing a book’s affect can be on you. For instance, I am currently reading Fahrenheit 451 and although it takes situations to the extreme, (reading books is against the law and fireman exist solely to burn books) its message(s) are so in tuned to how I feel towards many aspects of my life and that of my culture. I think the most prevalent and easily interpreted message from this novel, is the author’s concern and fear of his culture’s progression into the realm of hedonistic entertainment and the associated deterioration of critical thinking. Of course what I speak of is the nation-wide obsession with television, which became commercially available in the 1930’s and became commonly affordable and vastly desired in the 1950’s. The author, Ray Bradbury, makes the case that television eliminates your chances of questioning what was just presented to you, due to the fact that TV is a constant stream, continuing flowing, forcing you to accept the information by eliminating your desire to question through endless entertainment. (Also, the book immensely goes into detail on the whole Individual Vs. Society Theme, which I will refrain from commenting on since I could go on for days about it.)

I find it eerie how similar someone from over 50 years ago felt about a prevailing issue and how closely his farfetched, prediction of a future reality can be compared to that of my own. I know, books will never be outlawed, at least I hope not, but I think the point the author was making is that how a good portion of our culture has deprived us, or lead us astray from, the wondrous and thought-provoking qualities that are ever rampant in a well written novel. He does a great job of making you question, if books will ever really become obsolete and if so, what will be the repercussions of such a lapse in individual development.

In this day and age, I believe television to be the man culprit as the deterrence from a person’s self indulgence into the beauty of books, but I have noticed a newcomer that may take away television’s title. This young go-getter would be the industry of video gaming and it is rapidly increasing it's grasp upon our culture’s youth. Being a part of the first mainstream gaming generation, I have seen direct results the effects such influences can have on people. For instance, I have had many friends who dropped out of school, disappeared socially, or who knows what due to their obsession of a video game. Now, I am not saying that they should not be enjoyed ever; I just think that as an individual, who partakes in such entertainment, one should recognize the limits of their involvement with said entertainment. Video games are highly enjoyable but, like most things, should be enjoyed in moderation.

Well I fell like I am beginning to ramble as well as beginning to loose my train of thought, so I will close with the following statement, "I am Guy Montag!", and based off that you can assure yourself this is a damn good book. Also, check out these reading figures I found, http://www.humorwriters.org/startlingstats.html, pretty lame if you ask me.

Natural Bliss

I spent most of the weekend reflecting on my life and searching for what I really want to make of it. Unfortunately, I did not come to any conclusions but I do not see the time spent on the endeavor as a waste. For I have made a great deal of progress at becoming one with myself, accepting me for whom I am, discovering what it is I truly love, enjoy and disgust. I have learned a great deal about myself and hope that I can make the necessary changes in my life, no matter the consequences. Even if the road ahead calls for irrevocable pain, discomforting drama, or disheartening loses, I must endure what needs to be accomplished before reaching that blissful plateau of which my true self rests. Godspeed, Dave Johnson.

This morning I had a very uplifting experience. I woke up early, as I usually do these days, and rounded up the two dogs in order to get our run in before it gets too warm. Take it that it was almost 9 in the morning and it was already quite warm but not in the manner of being unpleasant. Sadie, Moses and I made it down to the Riverwalk and were enjoying the shaded trail and the cool breeze. We reached our midway point but I decided to go on just a bit more and was I glad that I did. Just up the trail was a wonderful spot to let the dogs loose and for them to play in the water. As I sat watching them, I got this sudden urge to take of my shoes and socks and wade in the water a bit. Next thing I knew, I was shirtless and swimming along side Sadie. (Moses still refuses to venture out passed the point where he can touch the ground.) As we were swimming, a canoe rolls up and passes. Its passengers greeted us with a hardy hello and were on their way. (I wanted to canoe so badly.) Anyways, back to our swimming. As I enjoyed the water, I found a spot in our secret little cove that had a moderately strong current flowing upstream. Impressed, I began swimming into it.

The current reminded me of those commercials for the small indoor/outdoor current pools that are designed for you to swim in place, which is exactly what I did for about 10 minutes or so. It was amazing and exhilarating. Afterwards I got out and sat on a rock for a bit while the dogs explored nearby. The only downfall of the whole experience was cutting my pinky toe on a rock after getting out of the water, which soaked half of my sock with blood on my returning run home.

It is amazing how such a simple, natural experience could shape the outcome of a day or drastically alter your current perception/mood. I hope it is as enjoyable tomorrow.

Well I am going to go look up some information on graduate schools here in South Carolina and work on a new resume. I am thinking about putting in a few applications in with a hospital in Charlotte. Apparently, my stepmother (or ex-stepmother) is in charge of a bunch of labs up there and has been bugging me to at least submit an application. I am not sure if anything will come of it but I am sure it won’t hurt.

Dave Johnson - Dampen the Spirits

I tried getting some sleep about an hour and a half ago. The clock hit midnight about 15 minutes ago, so technically it is Saturday but I feel like be a bit of a rebel so I am logging this entry in as Friday the 30^th. Not like it really matters too much. Anyways, I have lots on my mind that I just wanted to unleash. Work is still dreadfully boring and unchallenging. My social life has basically hit a brick wall. I have a highly depressing amount of debt. I feel shackled downed, unable to move, breathe, and in a sense live. I worried about what other people thing of me too much. I do not do what pleases me. I eat unhealthy foods. I take the easy way out sometimes. I sacrifice reason for comfort and pleasure. I am not in control. I am lost. I am alone.

I have always dreamed of living a long and plentiful life. I have envisioned how great it will be an old man, full of knowledge, insane antics and the idol of my children and grandchildren. Living 80+ years was going to be a wonderful thing. It was something to look forward to. The tree of life blossomed in front of me, but I feel victim to its forbidden fruit. I allowed myself to become what pleased others and not what pleased me. I settle for what me peers found interesting, and I was comfortable doing so.

I dreamed of playing soccer. I practiced twice a day, worked at it as hard as I could. I got pretty damn good. I had coaches tell me that I understood the game and had a chance to play professionally. I excelled at every position I played. I was aggressive, I never gave up. I loved every second of it. At my peak, I acquired a spot on the state U-18 team. Unfortunately, around this same time, I broke a small bone in my foot and began doing other things. My interest dwindled and I decided to follow my friends to college rather than trying to play for a school somewhere. I regret this decision to this day.

Happiness is like a mirage in this dessert of a life. I wander aimlessly through this wasteland, searching for an unquenchable desire, only to be disillusioned by blissful false visions. Sometimes I become entranced for days, sometimes for weeks, other times for months. Who am I? My eyes are bleeding but no one seems to care.

What am I to do? I live in a world of too many people. Hedonists, parasites, tourists, I am done with them all. I need a change. I am truly unhappy but have no answers. I am finished.

Disintegrate the Emancipated

Contemplation, aspiration, and inspiration violently react amongst the inner seclusion of my own precious claim to that which is space and that which is time. All three never seem to rest or resist the actions of the other. Constantly I struggle. Constantly they pry. Once again, I am lost in my own self-being.

Life trickles forth from the faucet of time, feeding me steadily, promoting the mystifying altercations of the realm within. There, the pain of exhaustion is a familiar acquaintance, the ripples amongst it’s face, the smell of it’s protruding edges of glass that rip into my world, tearing it into stray. The lashes from its whips dissolve into the stricken flesh, allowing for the repetitive blows to be just as excruciating as each one’s predecessor. Concentration conceals the anguish of such a tortured soul. Mediation presents the façade, behold.

Ever intuitive, highly evolved, substantially intelligent, physically in charge, mentally sound, these are the personal properties that make dave go round.

Each day I struggle to struggle once more. Please forgive for what I do and do not deplore.

Stand Down You Delicious Morsels

Yeah, so the daily entry thing has not really worked out all that well in the past, let’s say, two weeks. To be honest, I am not exactly sure what all my time was exhausted doing but I can promise you that it was doing things that would qualify as no less than exciting. Excitement may not be the proper word for what seems at times a mundane life. I am not too sure what the proper word is for it. For how can one be sure of such a trivial thing if he is not even sure of where he is in his career, who he has become, or what he is to make of this voyage labeled life. But I think I am getting there, hopefully. I just need to allow myself to be myself.

I read a very interesting book this weekend, and no it was not my typical science fiction novel. This book was more of a spiritual slash philosophical inquiry into the realm of humanity. It was a very interesting read, and I believe I learned a few things from it. To me, the book guides you towards a state of self-enlightenment. Helping you focus on the reason behind the vast array of human emotions, bondage, and entanglements. Do what you do to live, want not what is unnecessary, and love for the sake of loving not to be loved. All in all, it was great to read a piece of literature that allows you to grow spiritually without it being tainted by one of the authoritarian religious powers of the world that, in my opinion, demoralizes the divinity of the individual spirit and idealizes our passions for greed, corruption and absolute power.

I started back on another book this weekend, well basically just today. It’s the one that gives a wonderfully explanation of human biological functions and reactions. I read a really interesting segment on insulin and sugar. It really opens your eyes to all the junk you shove down your throat, I can’t believe how ungodly unhealthy we, as a society, have become. Less than 100 years ago, the average American’s insulin level was about 5 5 ng/dL, now it is over 20ng/dL. This is a drastic increase and it can be directly seen in our society’s populous, just check out those mounds of stored fat around our midsections. This increase in insulin is a direct result from the increase of sugar consumption, that of which the average American consumes 152 lbs a year, which sounds like a lot to me. The book does not clearly state if that number is for each person or all people in generally. It seems to low to be the number consumed by everyone, and it also seems extremely high to be the amount consumed by each individual.

Whatever that number stands for, clearly we need to be more aware of what we consume that is if you care to live forever. (This book is titled Fantastic Voyage: Life Long Enough to Life Forever.) The book also explained that as we consume sugar, our body stimulates the pancreas to produce insulin through the use of islet cells. As the islet cells produce insulin, the consumed sugar begins to circulate the body through the blood stream, allowing for all of our cells to have access to the energy stored in sugar. Unfortunately, our cells are incapable of absorbing, binding, or consuming sugar and require the help of another molecule (I think it may be a protein) called insulin. The insulin binds to cell membranes, which provides a gateway, in a sense, for sugar molecules to enter a cell in order to be utilized or stored as energy. This process is wonderful and completely necessary, but like all things it must maintain a vital equilibrium. When excess sugar is in the blood stream, the insulin production spikes to makes use of this sugar. Too much insulin raises the blood pressure, increases body fat, and allows for fluid retention and hormone imbalances. Not too healthy if you ask me.

Well, it’s been a nice and relaxing weekend. A little on the uneventful side but at least I was able to get my running in. (12 miles in three days, not too shabby.) I really wish I could have spent some time with a special someone but that’s not always possible, especially when long distances separate the two of you. Hopefully, this upcoming extended weekend will allot for some time spent with her. Anyways, off to start the nightly graveyard route, someone has got to make sure that no new zombie outbreaks occur.

Bioenergy : Corn Infractions

I spent a few hours today going over some old notes from one of my favorite classes. Now, I don’t usually sit around and study class notes from over two years ago, only occasionally, when I am not hunting zombies. Actually, the reasoning behind this is that I have decided to digitize all my old school notes and I just so happened to stumble upon a very interesting section entitled Bioenergy.

Bioenergy refers, in very simple terms, to renewable energy that is supplied from biological processes. Another term that is commonly used in place of bioenergy is biofuels. Unless you have been living under a rock in a very deep hole that had no ladder for escape, you probably have heard and know a little about biofuels. It probably started with the hype about their great potential, then information on government subsidies for those who will produce biofuels from form, and finally the debates on the objections to using such fuels as a replacement of oil. These objections focus upon the use of corn crop as the providing stock of biomass for energy retrieval and how much land area is needed to provide for the average daily energy demands. All of which were included in my notes that were based off a few studies from back in 2002.

These notes of mine detailed a very complex sustainability problem that derives and explains how to determine the required acreage per year per person of corn which would be required to provide the energy necessary for our current energy demands. To save some time, the data from two years ago showed that corn would require 6.81 acres per person per year, which mind you is a lot. Let’s look at my current state of residency, South Carolina, and see just how much land is available per person. There is about 30,109 square miles of land, approximately 4,167,183 people in the state. By running the proper calculations this would give a total of 4.6 acres available per person. Not nearly enough to provide for the necessary fields of corn. Also, remember that the 6.81 acres required is based on the condition that we utilize the whole plant, both the grain and stover, to provide for our food and liquid energy needs. In reality the 6.81 acres would be much higher since we can’t use 100% of the stover because if we did we would run the land “to death”, in a sense, by not allowing proper nutrients to decay back into the soil.

Here is another interesting calculation that was included in my notes; it has to do with the total energy demanded per person. It uses carbon from grain as the source of 40% of the total energy and methane from algae as the source of 60% of the total energy. The results showed that in order to produce 40% of the energy from carbon grain it would require 5.25 acres, while in order to produce 60% of the energy from methane derived from algae only 0.7 acres. The methane from algae sure sounds like the better deal if you ask me.

I have seen a lot of good things come from algae and have actually spent a year working with a species of algae, Thermatoga n., for a senior project. I believe algae, as a whole, has lots of potential as an energy source, especially if it is combined with wind and solar energy generation. Perhaps, I should not have thrown out the plans to that power plant that obtains energy from solar panels, wind turbines, and massive algae tubes. Well have a good weekend.

Steady As She Goes

Work has become absolutely exhausting over the past week. I am not sure if it is the increase of human activity within the office, the shifts in responsibility, or the recent lost of those who actually do their work and care to extend their hand to help out with other problems. Whatever may be the cause, I have the feeling that this change has the potential to affect me the most of all.

Recently, over the past 4 weeks, three very prominent, hard-workers have quit from my division. While these three were here, the work load plus any other miscellaneous inquiries, which happen to filter towards us due to people not answering their phones, were easily control and distributed between the four of us. But now, as the third and final closes out his last day, I can already feel the pressure of handling all that was covered between the four of us.

The work load, to be honest, is actually not too bad, at least for the moment. The thing that is getting to me has to deal with all the projects and issues that could easily be eliminated by increasing the productivity of the management in my division. There just does not seem to be the leadership, development, and the promotion of overall morale that one would expect to find in an office with such an important role to fulfill for the inhabitants of this state. No one seems to care about professional development, that it be their own or others. Everyone seems to push on any issues of a project on to whomever they can find if they are not responsible for that project in question. All everyone seems to want to do is the bare minimum and spend the rest of their day talking. No wonder, they can’t keep young professionals there, especially those who are looking to expand upon their professional career.

Now, I am not saying the whole office is in this slump, perhaps not much of it is at all, but it just seems that way and is extremely frustrating. I try my best to help people out; I always tell engineers, that I will see what I can do, find out, or work out for them. It is just frustrating that I really have no one to look up to for advice, guidance and support. I usually can handle most of it myself, but it would be nice to have someplace to go for reassurance and more knowledgeable opinions.

The other week, I participated in a conversation with people from three different generations. (It was a very interesting conversation to be apart of, to hear the opinions of such different people.) There was one comment from one of the older men that relates to what I am experiencing at work, that being “our society is turning into a recreational society.” I thought it was funny how easily and quickly I related this comment to the environment of my office.

Well, I will just keep trying to do what I am doing. Push myself to raise the bar as much as possible. I was thinking that I could ask to start doing more cross training, expanding my possibilities. Who knows though, I will see where the next year takes me. Hopefully, I will take and pass the fundamentals exam, take the GRE and apply to grad school. Right now, my job seems to be nothing more than a dead-end which I must not allow myself to get stuck in.

Solar Exhaustion

A touch of exhaustion has made way for quite a struggle through the evening. Not sure what has brought about this onset of inefficiency but whatever it was, I hope it relinquishes its grasp on me by morning. This fatigue did not hit me until I was on my way home from work.

Upon returning home and backing into the basketball goal, I hobbled into my abode and immediately hunted for my bed. After a refreshing power nap, I decided to force myself to get in some exercise, in hopes to get some blood rushing through my body and abolishing this sluggish funk. The run sucked, and I ended up walking much more than usually. Looks like it will be an early night for me.

Anywho, while I was perched comfortably in my overwhelmingly comfortable recliner, I kept myself entertained by reader a few post on the blogs I frequent. (Can you believe the word “blog” is not included in Word’s Dictionary? Blasphemy.) During these online endeavors, I stumbled upon a highly thought provoking article on the solar revolution and the oppression of Big Energy. Basically, this article tackled some of the solar energy myths, i.e. the myth which states that in order to meet the same energy production provided by oil we would have to cover the entire land surface area of the earth with solar panels. The article then provided some basic calculations of how many square kilometers of solar panels it actually would take to match the Earth’s estimated daily energy consumption of 120 million barrels of oil. The results emphasized that our energy needs would require roughly 400,000 square kilometers of land area, approximately 0.3% of the total available land area!! And this is using today’s commercially available solar panels, that of which tomorrow’s panels will be twice as efficient, and the panels available the day after tomorrow will be twice as efficient as tomorrow’s.

For the past few years, I have wanted to start experimenting with my own solar panels to see how hard they would be to maintain and use for all my energy needs. I have even tried talking my father into getting them installed on his roof, due to the fact that his roof is such an idle location for collecting rays. (I think I am getting close to convincing him to do it.) Eventually, when I purchase my own place, I will have my desired solar panels and all the glory that accompanies them.

I look forward to the futuristic days, where I can feel less wasteful then I do now. It will be a time where all that I need to live will be provided in house rather then from another gluttonous company. Solar panels for the energy, a greenhouse for food production, a grey water system, a man-made wetland plot for disposal of waste water, and if applicable a rain collection system that feeds into a simple, yet sanitary, water treatment system. Of course, money and lots of planning/engineering will need to go into this dream, but it is nothing a human, with the proper ambition, can’t do. I will have to invite you over to check it out in about 10 years or so.

A Discombobulating Engagement

Today was another long and action packed day. I woke up to the garbage men collecting all the unwanted items of my neighbors, my same-dwelling occupants and, most importantly, yours truly. I washed up, went to work, talk about sewage, ate some lunch, then finished up my work for the day by pushing some tedious calculations and wetting my tongue in a delicious environmental handbook. After work, I picked up a sofa-couch and an ottoman for my brother, went for a run, pondered over my broken car, and then watched a movie. Yes, I know what you are thinking, a day for the ages. How can fate be so kind?

That is just it though, that word, fate and its counterparts destiny, kismet and predestination. Is our lives really preplanned out for us? Is this what I was suppose to do today? Did I not have a choice? What about free will? Come on, what's the answer? Do we reside in a kingdom of destiny or an empire of free will?

These are very tough questions to answer, and it is a very confusing topic to discuss. For instance, a life subjected to free will possesses the liberty to progress through time without disregard for constraints. This life moves from moment to moment, feeling the pleasures of being in control, moving towards that future, the pinnacle of their life, a pinnacle of which they and they alone had the complete freedom to create. A person who experiences this life travels freely upon the space-time continuum. All actions are instantaneous reactions.

Now let us look at a life which is controlled by predestination, fate. This life travels along with the passage of time, accepting all for what it is. Each moment brings it what is to be expected. Eventually time besets them upon their destiny, that of which they were born for. This life never questions its role in the world, just accepts life as is. All actions are scientifically/religiously logical reactions.

After contemplating these two choices, I find it very hard to choose between the two. Mainly because I believe that each, free will and predestination are codependent upon one another. Yes, we have the freedom to choose how to live are lives and it is as we make this choice, that we allow our choice to become what was meant to be. All of us are free to choose this path or that but, as fate my have it, we pick what we were going to have picked all along.

Not sure how much sense this all makes but take is as you will and remember that this is exactly how you are suppose to understand it. Live your life to your best intentions, and when you reflect upon it accept it for what it was.

Winsome Disquietude

Well, today has been a somewhat productive day. I was busy doing this or that which passed the day by quickly. I am not sure if this is just because I was well rested and had the energy to do so, or if it was to keep my mind off other matters which I, personally, have been having a rough time with. I think my productivity should be credited to the latter. If this is true, I must quickly halt such actions.

I tend to bottle up feelings, which creates internal conflicts, especially those which leave me emotionally distraught. It is a great quick fix, but if I allow this to continue over time, a life changing depression is sure to snatch hold of my life. Another of which, would be extremely difficult to endure.

But these feelings/conflictions are not always bad, if I handle and confront them in the proper manners. I can use them to excel myself towards new heights, I can use them to grow, or I can channel their energy into just enjoying life in general. To do this, I must take control and confront these dilemmas.

Of course, my troubles, one again, lay within the relations of a wonderful, free-minded individual. One who inspires me to new heights, who can completely put me at peace, and who can relate to me on so many levels. She is great in so many ways, but at the same time, I feel myself falling backwards into that deadly realm of codependency (A world of distrust, unhappiness, and hatred). A place I like to catalog as my own personal hell.

Now, in no way is this, her fault. It just so happens to be the natural state of relations that I unknowingly head towards, although I can see it and don’t like it. (If that makes any sense.) All I know is that this first inclination has single-handedly ruined every relationship that I have entered since my first days of fornication. I must pinpoint its every aspect in order to keep from falling into such an inescapable pit.

Basically, I need to realize that each of us have and will always have are own separate lives. I need to understand that in order to build the necessary bond of trust, each of us must frequently interact with others of the opposite sex. Both of us must have our time apart as well as together, all things in moderation.

It is hard because I naturally want to spend as much time together as possible, something that I recognize as a flaw. Another flaw, that of which I believe is something completely unique to me, is my lack of confidence in expressing myself to others, how I actually feel, what I want, and how certain actions make me feel. To be honest, that word, relationship, scares the hell out of me.

I am a romantic. I love sharing my life with another. I love experiencing all of that is her and not me. I want to be passionate, I want to invoke lust, and I want to leave her breathless. It is as, I make her my one and sole concern, which I now see as being potential detrimental, that is, if I allow it to take complete control. I hope it’s not too late to stop such tomfoolery and allow myself to control what it is that devastates me.

All in all, I believe that I am becoming extremely interested in this new woman-friend of mine. Perhaps I am just nervous, perhaps I just needed some time to reflect but whatever it is, I hope it moves along well and I look forward to whatever the future has in store for her and myself.

Car Ambitions

Right now, as I continually prolong my struggles with existence, I have three dogs questioning my every action, two that are weary of my motions and one that shows complete faith in me. It is funny how quickly they gain, loss and regain interest in whatever you happen to be doing. I feel like I do the same thing to a certain degree. You know, hop from one thought to another. Only my jumps seem to deal with the mental realm more so than with the physical realm.

Another responsibility of mine idles, aimlessly to the right of me, that responsibility being my car. I swear this machine, of which I highly depend upon, seems to be more trouble than what it is worth. I constantly have to repair this or that. For instance, right now I am hopefully sealing a leak/crack that has been expelling coolant at an alarming rate for the past few days. I really hope this works but giving the way my luck goes, I am sure I will have it in the shop within the week. Thus being down and out another four to five hundred dollars that I have yet to earn. Well it is not as bad as I make it out but the thing that really gets to me is that I am highly confident that I take good care of this beast. Although, the trouble I have with it makes me think otherwise.

To be honest the whole situation has got me down. Well it is not the only reason; I just think it was the thing that has pushed me over the edge. This whole weekend, my mind has been become preoccupied with the thoughts that, I believe, plague the eternally damned, if such beings exists. It is hard to explain, but these feelings destroyed, or are about to destroy, the precious equilibrium that I have established over the past few years. I just feel out of whack. The inconceivable has once again thrown my life into disarray. Perhaps, I am just letting stress get to me a little too much.

Oh well, it shall all work out one-way or another. Other than this little rut I have falling into tonight, this weekend has not been too bad. I actually kept myself from spending an ungodly amount of time playing video games (which I am highly proud of). Lets see, Friday night, I went out, downtown, for the first times in weeks. Saturday, I ran around outside for about three hours then ended up going to shoot guns. (That of which I was completely horrible at.) I tell you I don’t like doing new things around others, especially when whatever it is puts the group’s focus directly upon you.

One last thing I wanted to comment on before logging off, is the reappearance of a desire to rid myself of as many materials goods as I could. Today, I actual came to agreement that I could do without most of the things I own. Basically, I came to the conclusion that I could do without everything except, one of my computers, the internet, my bed, clothes, and books. Away with my television, ipod, 2^nd computer, boxes of junk, and my car. Sike! I could not think of a way to make do without my car, well at least not in my current situation But if there arises an opportunity...Good bye mysterious break downs, high repair bills, and Adios to my very own personal black hole that guzzles nothing but gasoline.