Dave Johnson - Dampen the Spirits

I tried getting some sleep about an hour and a half ago. The clock hit midnight about 15 minutes ago, so technically it is Saturday but I feel like be a bit of a rebel so I am logging this entry in as Friday the 30^th. Not like it really matters too much. Anyways, I have lots on my mind that I just wanted to unleash. Work is still dreadfully boring and unchallenging. My social life has basically hit a brick wall. I have a highly depressing amount of debt. I feel shackled downed, unable to move, breathe, and in a sense live. I worried about what other people thing of me too much. I do not do what pleases me. I eat unhealthy foods. I take the easy way out sometimes. I sacrifice reason for comfort and pleasure. I am not in control. I am lost. I am alone.

I have always dreamed of living a long and plentiful life. I have envisioned how great it will be an old man, full of knowledge, insane antics and the idol of my children and grandchildren. Living 80+ years was going to be a wonderful thing. It was something to look forward to. The tree of life blossomed in front of me, but I feel victim to its forbidden fruit. I allowed myself to become what pleased others and not what pleased me. I settle for what me peers found interesting, and I was comfortable doing so.

I dreamed of playing soccer. I practiced twice a day, worked at it as hard as I could. I got pretty damn good. I had coaches tell me that I understood the game and had a chance to play professionally. I excelled at every position I played. I was aggressive, I never gave up. I loved every second of it. At my peak, I acquired a spot on the state U-18 team. Unfortunately, around this same time, I broke a small bone in my foot and began doing other things. My interest dwindled and I decided to follow my friends to college rather than trying to play for a school somewhere. I regret this decision to this day.

Happiness is like a mirage in this dessert of a life. I wander aimlessly through this wasteland, searching for an unquenchable desire, only to be disillusioned by blissful false visions. Sometimes I become entranced for days, sometimes for weeks, other times for months. Who am I? My eyes are bleeding but no one seems to care.

What am I to do? I live in a world of too many people. Hedonists, parasites, tourists, I am done with them all. I need a change. I am truly unhappy but have no answers. I am finished.