Winsome Disquietude

Well, today has been a somewhat productive day. I was busy doing this or that which passed the day by quickly. I am not sure if this is just because I was well rested and had the energy to do so, or if it was to keep my mind off other matters which I, personally, have been having a rough time with. I think my productivity should be credited to the latter. If this is true, I must quickly halt such actions.

I tend to bottle up feelings, which creates internal conflicts, especially those which leave me emotionally distraught. It is a great quick fix, but if I allow this to continue over time, a life changing depression is sure to snatch hold of my life. Another of which, would be extremely difficult to endure.

But these feelings/conflictions are not always bad, if I handle and confront them in the proper manners. I can use them to excel myself towards new heights, I can use them to grow, or I can channel their energy into just enjoying life in general. To do this, I must take control and confront these dilemmas.

Of course, my troubles, one again, lay within the relations of a wonderful, free-minded individual. One who inspires me to new heights, who can completely put me at peace, and who can relate to me on so many levels. She is great in so many ways, but at the same time, I feel myself falling backwards into that deadly realm of codependency (A world of distrust, unhappiness, and hatred). A place I like to catalog as my own personal hell.

Now, in no way is this, her fault. It just so happens to be the natural state of relations that I unknowingly head towards, although I can see it and don’t like it. (If that makes any sense.) All I know is that this first inclination has single-handedly ruined every relationship that I have entered since my first days of fornication. I must pinpoint its every aspect in order to keep from falling into such an inescapable pit.

Basically, I need to realize that each of us have and will always have are own separate lives. I need to understand that in order to build the necessary bond of trust, each of us must frequently interact with others of the opposite sex. Both of us must have our time apart as well as together, all things in moderation.

It is hard because I naturally want to spend as much time together as possible, something that I recognize as a flaw. Another flaw, that of which I believe is something completely unique to me, is my lack of confidence in expressing myself to others, how I actually feel, what I want, and how certain actions make me feel. To be honest, that word, relationship, scares the hell out of me.

I am a romantic. I love sharing my life with another. I love experiencing all of that is her and not me. I want to be passionate, I want to invoke lust, and I want to leave her breathless. It is as, I make her my one and sole concern, which I now see as being potential detrimental, that is, if I allow it to take complete control. I hope it’s not too late to stop such tomfoolery and allow myself to control what it is that devastates me.

All in all, I believe that I am becoming extremely interested in this new woman-friend of mine. Perhaps I am just nervous, perhaps I just needed some time to reflect but whatever it is, I hope it moves along well and I look forward to whatever the future has in store for her and myself.