Solar Exhaustion

A touch of exhaustion has made way for quite a struggle through the evening. Not sure what has brought about this onset of inefficiency but whatever it was, I hope it relinquishes its grasp on me by morning. This fatigue did not hit me until I was on my way home from work.

Upon returning home and backing into the basketball goal, I hobbled into my abode and immediately hunted for my bed. After a refreshing power nap, I decided to force myself to get in some exercise, in hopes to get some blood rushing through my body and abolishing this sluggish funk. The run sucked, and I ended up walking much more than usually. Looks like it will be an early night for me.

Anywho, while I was perched comfortably in my overwhelmingly comfortable recliner, I kept myself entertained by reader a few post on the blogs I frequent. (Can you believe the word “blog” is not included in Word’s Dictionary? Blasphemy.) During these online endeavors, I stumbled upon a highly thought provoking article on the solar revolution and the oppression of Big Energy. Basically, this article tackled some of the solar energy myths, i.e. the myth which states that in order to meet the same energy production provided by oil we would have to cover the entire land surface area of the earth with solar panels. The article then provided some basic calculations of how many square kilometers of solar panels it actually would take to match the Earth’s estimated daily energy consumption of 120 million barrels of oil. The results emphasized that our energy needs would require roughly 400,000 square kilometers of land area, approximately 0.3% of the total available land area!! And this is using today’s commercially available solar panels, that of which tomorrow’s panels will be twice as efficient, and the panels available the day after tomorrow will be twice as efficient as tomorrow’s.

For the past few years, I have wanted to start experimenting with my own solar panels to see how hard they would be to maintain and use for all my energy needs. I have even tried talking my father into getting them installed on his roof, due to the fact that his roof is such an idle location for collecting rays. (I think I am getting close to convincing him to do it.) Eventually, when I purchase my own place, I will have my desired solar panels and all the glory that accompanies them.

I look forward to the futuristic days, where I can feel less wasteful then I do now. It will be a time where all that I need to live will be provided in house rather then from another gluttonous company. Solar panels for the energy, a greenhouse for food production, a grey water system, a man-made wetland plot for disposal of waste water, and if applicable a rain collection system that feeds into a simple, yet sanitary, water treatment system. Of course, money and lots of planning/engineering will need to go into this dream, but it is nothing a human, with the proper ambition, can’t do. I will have to invite you over to check it out in about 10 years or so.

A Discombobulating Engagement

Today was another long and action packed day. I woke up to the garbage men collecting all the unwanted items of my neighbors, my same-dwelling occupants and, most importantly, yours truly. I washed up, went to work, talk about sewage, ate some lunch, then finished up my work for the day by pushing some tedious calculations and wetting my tongue in a delicious environmental handbook. After work, I picked up a sofa-couch and an ottoman for my brother, went for a run, pondered over my broken car, and then watched a movie. Yes, I know what you are thinking, a day for the ages. How can fate be so kind?

That is just it though, that word, fate and its counterparts destiny, kismet and predestination. Is our lives really preplanned out for us? Is this what I was suppose to do today? Did I not have a choice? What about free will? Come on, what's the answer? Do we reside in a kingdom of destiny or an empire of free will?

These are very tough questions to answer, and it is a very confusing topic to discuss. For instance, a life subjected to free will possesses the liberty to progress through time without disregard for constraints. This life moves from moment to moment, feeling the pleasures of being in control, moving towards that future, the pinnacle of their life, a pinnacle of which they and they alone had the complete freedom to create. A person who experiences this life travels freely upon the space-time continuum. All actions are instantaneous reactions.

Now let us look at a life which is controlled by predestination, fate. This life travels along with the passage of time, accepting all for what it is. Each moment brings it what is to be expected. Eventually time besets them upon their destiny, that of which they were born for. This life never questions its role in the world, just accepts life as is. All actions are scientifically/religiously logical reactions.

After contemplating these two choices, I find it very hard to choose between the two. Mainly because I believe that each, free will and predestination are codependent upon one another. Yes, we have the freedom to choose how to live are lives and it is as we make this choice, that we allow our choice to become what was meant to be. All of us are free to choose this path or that but, as fate my have it, we pick what we were going to have picked all along.

Not sure how much sense this all makes but take is as you will and remember that this is exactly how you are suppose to understand it. Live your life to your best intentions, and when you reflect upon it accept it for what it was.

Winsome Disquietude

Well, today has been a somewhat productive day. I was busy doing this or that which passed the day by quickly. I am not sure if this is just because I was well rested and had the energy to do so, or if it was to keep my mind off other matters which I, personally, have been having a rough time with. I think my productivity should be credited to the latter. If this is true, I must quickly halt such actions.

I tend to bottle up feelings, which creates internal conflicts, especially those which leave me emotionally distraught. It is a great quick fix, but if I allow this to continue over time, a life changing depression is sure to snatch hold of my life. Another of which, would be extremely difficult to endure.

But these feelings/conflictions are not always bad, if I handle and confront them in the proper manners. I can use them to excel myself towards new heights, I can use them to grow, or I can channel their energy into just enjoying life in general. To do this, I must take control and confront these dilemmas.

Of course, my troubles, one again, lay within the relations of a wonderful, free-minded individual. One who inspires me to new heights, who can completely put me at peace, and who can relate to me on so many levels. She is great in so many ways, but at the same time, I feel myself falling backwards into that deadly realm of codependency (A world of distrust, unhappiness, and hatred). A place I like to catalog as my own personal hell.

Now, in no way is this, her fault. It just so happens to be the natural state of relations that I unknowingly head towards, although I can see it and don’t like it. (If that makes any sense.) All I know is that this first inclination has single-handedly ruined every relationship that I have entered since my first days of fornication. I must pinpoint its every aspect in order to keep from falling into such an inescapable pit.

Basically, I need to realize that each of us have and will always have are own separate lives. I need to understand that in order to build the necessary bond of trust, each of us must frequently interact with others of the opposite sex. Both of us must have our time apart as well as together, all things in moderation.

It is hard because I naturally want to spend as much time together as possible, something that I recognize as a flaw. Another flaw, that of which I believe is something completely unique to me, is my lack of confidence in expressing myself to others, how I actually feel, what I want, and how certain actions make me feel. To be honest, that word, relationship, scares the hell out of me.

I am a romantic. I love sharing my life with another. I love experiencing all of that is her and not me. I want to be passionate, I want to invoke lust, and I want to leave her breathless. It is as, I make her my one and sole concern, which I now see as being potential detrimental, that is, if I allow it to take complete control. I hope it’s not too late to stop such tomfoolery and allow myself to control what it is that devastates me.

All in all, I believe that I am becoming extremely interested in this new woman-friend of mine. Perhaps I am just nervous, perhaps I just needed some time to reflect but whatever it is, I hope it moves along well and I look forward to whatever the future has in store for her and myself.

Car Ambitions

Right now, as I continually prolong my struggles with existence, I have three dogs questioning my every action, two that are weary of my motions and one that shows complete faith in me. It is funny how quickly they gain, loss and regain interest in whatever you happen to be doing. I feel like I do the same thing to a certain degree. You know, hop from one thought to another. Only my jumps seem to deal with the mental realm more so than with the physical realm.

Another responsibility of mine idles, aimlessly to the right of me, that responsibility being my car. I swear this machine, of which I highly depend upon, seems to be more trouble than what it is worth. I constantly have to repair this or that. For instance, right now I am hopefully sealing a leak/crack that has been expelling coolant at an alarming rate for the past few days. I really hope this works but giving the way my luck goes, I am sure I will have it in the shop within the week. Thus being down and out another four to five hundred dollars that I have yet to earn. Well it is not as bad as I make it out but the thing that really gets to me is that I am highly confident that I take good care of this beast. Although, the trouble I have with it makes me think otherwise.

To be honest the whole situation has got me down. Well it is not the only reason; I just think it was the thing that has pushed me over the edge. This whole weekend, my mind has been become preoccupied with the thoughts that, I believe, plague the eternally damned, if such beings exists. It is hard to explain, but these feelings destroyed, or are about to destroy, the precious equilibrium that I have established over the past few years. I just feel out of whack. The inconceivable has once again thrown my life into disarray. Perhaps, I am just letting stress get to me a little too much.

Oh well, it shall all work out one-way or another. Other than this little rut I have falling into tonight, this weekend has not been too bad. I actually kept myself from spending an ungodly amount of time playing video games (which I am highly proud of). Lets see, Friday night, I went out, downtown, for the first times in weeks. Saturday, I ran around outside for about three hours then ended up going to shoot guns. (That of which I was completely horrible at.) I tell you I don’t like doing new things around others, especially when whatever it is puts the group’s focus directly upon you.

One last thing I wanted to comment on before logging off, is the reappearance of a desire to rid myself of as many materials goods as I could. Today, I actual came to agreement that I could do without most of the things I own. Basically, I came to the conclusion that I could do without everything except, one of my computers, the internet, my bed, clothes, and books. Away with my television, ipod, 2^nd computer, boxes of junk, and my car. Sike! I could not think of a way to make do without my car, well at least not in my current situation But if there arises an opportunity...Good bye mysterious break downs, high repair bills, and Adios to my very own personal black hole that guzzles nothing but gasoline.